I’ve been taking care of my fiance’s care full time for two solid years now. Before that, I was handing at least some of her care the entire duration of our relationship. So, I’ve been doing this about four years now. And, I’m still very much in love with her.
After the recent, Dr. Phil 100/100 nonsense, I realized that a lot of people in this position suffer from what is known as Caregiver Burnout. It’s a term that refers to a feeling of resentment toward the person you care for due to being overwhelmed by the work that goes into their care.
In the four years that I’ve been doing this, I’ve never reached a point of caregiver burnout. I’ve been burnt out from jobs, from stress, from writing, from YouTube, even from blogging, but never my lady’s care.
Why?
Well, that’s what I hope to explain in this post.
When I met Kara, she’d already suffered her accident. She was already a quadriplegic, and I knew from day one that there was a high likelihood at some point, I’d be doing at least some of her care. Especially if we were to move forward in our relationship.
I know not everyone meets in this way. Sometimes people meet, fall in love, and then an accident occurs. But, if you’re not prepared to stick around and care for the person you’re with after an injury, why are you there in the first place?
I made her care a part of my schedule.
I genuinely don’t think of my self care and her self care as seperate things anymore. Getting ready for the day includes getting Kara ready for the day. End of discussion. On days when she wants to stay in bed, I don’t know what to do with myself. It feels weird not caring for her.
I have caregiving down to a science.
I spend more time each morning drinking my coffee than getting Kara ready for the day. I can get her dressed, out of bed, and set up with all of her braces and back supports, drink, food, blanket, charger, TV remote, everything in under 20 minutes!
That’s faster than most people do their makeup.
I’m not waiting for a vacation from caregiving.
I don’t expect a break from my own care, so why would I expect a break from hers? I’m not suddenly going to stop taking a shower, feeding myself, or getting dressed in the morning, so clearly, I should accept that I’ll have to do those things for her every day, 24/7, 365, for the foreseeable future.
I’m not waiting for someone to swoop in and save me. I’ve just accepted that this is life now. And, accepting that helps me avoid frustration about it.
I don’t ever let myself think of her care as work.
I’ve reached a point where I get paid to do her care, which benefits us greatly in the money department. But, I try my hardest not to think of her care as work. It’s life. It’s my life. It’s the one I’ve chosen for myself. And, I’m happy to live it.
We communicate.
When I’m tired, hurting, or frustrated about life in general, I make sure to explain that my being cranky or irritable has nothing to do with her. And when Kara is in pain, frustrated with her situation, or angry about life in general, she makes sure not to take that frustration out on me.
We talk. We communicate our problems, and we work to solve them together.
I’m not feeling well? Kara tends to stay in bed so she doesn’t require as much adjusting. She’s in pain? I give her medication or adjust her as best I can to alleviate it.
We work together to make her care easier on both of us.
This takes communication, time, and patience. There isn’t a right and wrong way to caregiving. But, there are easier ways than others. And some things that are easier for us may not be easier for someone else.
Getting Kara dressed in bed is much easier than in her chair. Transfers get quicker with practice. Accessible vehicles are a blessing, not a curse.
We bought three different kinds of spoons until we found a silverware set she could feed herself with. She has to have a smartphone, using a magnet charger allows her to plug in her phone herself when she needs it and I’m not home.
I have to schedule my life.
From caregiving, to cleaning, to work, to appointments, even to social time. If I don’t write it down, it’s probably not going to happen. I schedule everything. And this helps me because it means I don’t do things last minute or skip them at all.
I have a day to clean each room. A day for different types of laundry. And I tackle the small things every day.
Scheduling allows me to spread out my workload. I don’t have to clean the entire house every day on top of working, caring for Kara, and trying to develop an online presence. I can do sections each day
I know different people will handle their frustrations in different ways. Caregiving can be hard. It can be challenging. But, with the right amount of scheduling and communication, there’s no reason for it to drive a wedge between you and the one you love.
Good luck!
xoxo,
Ellie,