One things I feel like I don’t talk about enough is my asexuality. I came out over two years ago, but I’ve basically left that aspect on my life on some far off back burner like it has no effect on my day to day life.
But it does affect my day to day life. It’s a major part of who I am.
What is asexuality? It’s defined as a lack of sexual attraction. As in, I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I don’t feel those urges. I’ve never really felt those urges. A major part of my sex life was driven by a feeling that it was necessary for a happy relationship.
But sex isn’t necessary for a happy relationship.
“But Elizabeth! You just got married this year! How can you expect to have a happy marriage with no sex??”
You’re right, yes, I did. I just got married this year. I married the woman I’ve been in a sexless relationship with for the last four years. Our marriage doesn’t need sex because our relationship has been sexless for so long already.
And, yet, I’ve never been more intimate with another human being.
Sex does not equal intimacy.
Actually, there are several different kinds of intimacy; Physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual. I’m sure there’s more, but here are a few.
The physical kind can obviously include sex, but it also includes hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, you get the idea. You can be physically intimate with someone in a completely platonic way.
Intellectual intimacy is all about those meaningful conversations about values, interests, wants, needs. Again this can be platonic.
Experiential is all about activities you can do together. Hobbies and such; ours include reading books to one another, and playing video games.
And spiritual intimacy is all about religion (or lack there of), morality, anything spiritual that brings peace to you as a person.
Because there are so many types of intimacy, it’s easy to be intimate with your partner in a way that never involves sex.
In some ways, it’s better.
My wife and I are in sync in a freaky way. We finish sentences, have the same thoughts, even sometimes use the same tone of voice. Our relationship works because we both care about the other’s mental health and physical needs. We skip sex, a tiny part of one of the many kinds of intimacy, and in doing so, we are able to focus on so much more.
Our kisses mean more, our hugs more special, our hand holding feels like an unbreakable bond. We share our thoughts, we talk about feelings, we spend quality time together. Every aspect of our relationship works to facilitate happiness, health, and love.
We both make an effort to understand one another and communicate our wants and needs clearly.
We listen, we discuss, and we don’t keep secrets.
The decision to remove sex from our relationship was one of the better ones we’ve made. Because it was a decision that led us to a closer relationship in every other form of intimacy. It was a decision that helped us build the foundation of a relationship filled with trust and open communication.
We fight less, we talk more.
Love with sexless intimacy is beautiful, it’s passionate, it’s freeing, and it’s not for everyone.
Some people need sex, and that’s okay. Some people don’t need sex, and that’s also okay. They key is determining your love languages, your partner’s love languages. And building a relationship that works for you, with the kinds of intimacy you need to have a happy, healthy, loving bond.
-an asexual in a happy sexless relationship.
I always love reading articles like this from people that might be described as my opposite (I am allosexual and aromantic). Like I agree with all of this, but I meet all of those intimacy things with people I consider (close) friends. So what defines a higher tier relationship than friendship or a roommate I like, for me, is sex. I love all of my friends, and I’m not going to overlook things in a partner I wouldnt in a friend, so the only difference left is sex.
Thank you for this article, it was a very good read.